What to Say When They Don't Play
Lessons learned from the bench.
Sitting the bench is hard!
With rare exceptions, your child will experience the pain and confusion of little or no playing time. There will come a day when your child’s coach will decide he or she will play a reserve role on the team. You likely will be thinking, “Why can’t Coach see the potential in my child?” or “What’s wrong with Coach’s judgment?” or “What does Coach have against my kid?” Or… maybe you’ll be grateful your child made the team and you will be perfectly satisfied with bench time. Whatever your initial reaction, you need to know that helping your disappointed or angry child through their time on the bench is the opportunity of a lifetime. They need you more than ever.
When I think back over the years of my four children’s sports experiences, there were many seasons of frustration when one of them was relegated to reserve status. There were summer nights driving home from neighboring cities, after youth travel baseball games, when one of my sons did not get playing time. There were years after my daughter came back from a major injury to play on her high school basketball team, only to realize she would be a reserve for her three remaining years on that team. There were years my son played Division 1 college football only to get on the field occasionally throughout his career.
Did I hurt for my children? Of course. What parent does not want their child to experience the joy of success and contribution to winning seasons? But all these circumstances were opportunities for my children to learn, mature and develop other skills that would help them for a lifetime. Life skills like perseverance, unselfishness, servanthood and work ethic are not learned in a classroom, they are imparted by life experience. And your child’s sports participation just might be the very experience God will use to develop your child into a strong and mature follower of Jesus Christ. I’m thankful for the successes my children experienced in sports, but I’m just as grateful for the hard times that produced a different kind of fruit in their lives, fruit that is lasting even to this day. Consider these few tips as you help your child thrive while sitting on the bench:
Don't blame the coach in front of your child. Depending on the child's age, encourage your child to ask his or her coach how to get more playing time. What tangible things can they do to get on the field or court?
Be transparent with your child about disappointments in your own life, maybe even in your athletic
career. Tell them how you felt and what you learned or gained from no playing time.
Listen. Let your child express his/her frustration, but don’t let it digress into a whine session. Remind
them of other benefits to being on a team, they don’t have to be the star player or even a starter.
Remember that God is shaping and molding your child into the person He wants them to be. He could be using this trial to develop your child.
Ask God to help you understand the Scriptures below and use them to help encourage your child who is not getting much playing time.
Bible Study
How might one or more of the verses provided help you give your child a biblical perspective about their lack of playing time?
What is something you learn about God from these verses that you can share with your child?
What is being promised in Romans 8:28?
What is your one big idea or takeaway from these Scriptures?
Practice Session
Spend some quiet time considering who is more frustrated with your child’s lack of playing time: you or your child? Be honest with yourself and the Lord about your own feelings, and ask God to help you be a good example for your child as you confront this together.
Ask your child to sit with you and brainstorm things they can do to be the best teammate while riding the bench. Ideas to get you started:
Be the first, during time outs and breaks in the game, to encourage those who are playing.
Work harder in practice. Be more attentive to Coach’s instruction.
Pray for your teammates. Confess any jealousy or envy toward them.